Batman Forever (Maybe, Not Really)
by Fictionstv
Summary: Batman contemplates his invincibility as Two Face and the Riddler continue their reign of terror on Gotham. After a tragedy at the circus, Bruce Wayne collects his first side-kick.
1. Chapter 1

**Batman Forever (Maybe, Not Really)**

Batman suited up taking his time while Two-Face's hostages were being rounded up and killed depending on what side of the coin landed. After about a good thirty minutes of suiting up, Batman waited for his Batmobile to rotate sufficiently to the point where he wouldn't have to take the few extra steps to get in.

"Can I persuade you to take a sandwich?" Alfred asked him ruining the glorious moment.

"Really? The fuck, Alfred?" Batman said annoyed.

"What, Sir?" Alfred asked confused.

"I'm having a badass moment here and you go ahead and ruin it," Batman told him.

"I just didn't want you to get hungry if on the off chance you end up swimming your way across Gotham bay," Alfred said defensively.

"Like that would ever happen," Batman said skeptically and then looked over his Batmobile. "Why does the car look like a giant penis?"

"It was the director's choice," Alfred replied.

"Not surprised," Batman grumbled and then entered the Batmobile.

* * *

Two Face flipped his coin on top of a large skyscraper, the Gotham bank. At his feet was a tied up security guard. "You're counting on the winged avenger to deliver you from evil, aren't you, my friend?" Two Face asked.

"Yeah," the security guard said meekly.

"I wouldn't count on it," Two Face told him.

"Okay," the security guard said helplessly. "You going to kill me?"

"Maybe," Two Face replied. "You a gambling man?"

"Sure," the guard answered.

"What makes one man straight, another queer? Why, why, why?" Two-Face asked.

"Because of genetics and…," the security guard began.

"Luck! Blind, stupid, simple, clueless, luck!" Two Face shouted while showing the guard the fucked-up side of his face.

"Really?" the guard asked skeptically.

"The random toss…is the only true justice. Let's see what justice has for _you_ ," Two Face said obnoxiously.

"Well, just so you know, Javier Bardem did it better," the guard said critically.

"What?" Two Face questioned.

"The whole coin toss thing, live or die. He did it better," the guard said.

"Whatever," Two Face said annoyed all motivation gone. He flipped the coin. "Looks like you get to live."

"Yay…," the guard said without enthusiasm.

"I'm still going to use you as bait to trap the Batman," Two Face informed him.

"So, what if the coin had gone the other way? That would have ruined your entire plan," the guard pointed out.

"So true!" Two Face replied and had the guard taken away.

* * *

Batman arrived on the scene dropping in right next to Commissioner Gordon and Chase Meridian. "Hot entrance," the blond Chase smiled condescendingly.

"I know, right?" Batman said proud of himself. "Two Face?" he guessed.

"Two guards are dead. He's holding a third one hostage. Didn't see this one coming," Gordon told him.

"We should have. The Second Bank of Gotham…," Chase began.

"Second anniversary of the day I kicked his ass," Batman mused. He then turned to Gordon. "You really are worthless. With each one of these, you do less and less," Batman chided.

"At least I don't get replaced each time with a new guy," Gordon pointed out.

"Good point," Batman allowed. "What the fuck is she doing here?"

"This is Chase Meridian. I asked her to come here to consult on the case. She specializes in…," Gordon introduced and then forgot the rest.

Batman eyed Gordon wondering what he was trying to remember. There was an awkward silence between all three. "Abnormal psychology, multiple personalities," Chase said helpfully.

"Neat," Batman said disinterested.

"Can we reason with him?" Gordon asked. "He's got innocent people up there."

"Like you give a shit," Batman remarked.

"It won't do any good. He'll slaughter them without a second thought," Chase warned.

"Agreed," Batman allowed.

"Like you," Chase added.

"Exactly," Batman said without thinking.

"Interesting, I could write a hell of a paper on a man who dresses like a flying rodent," Chase teased.

"Bats aren't rodents. They're…," Batman said and then forgot the rest.

"Oh really?" Chase smiled flirtatiously. "You got a first name, bats?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's…," Batman said intoxicated by her blond beauty.

"Ahem," Gordon interrupted.

"What?" Chase asked Gordon annoyed by the interruption. When she turned around Batman was already gone.

* * *

Two Face was nearly killed as a wrecking ball slammed into the building right next to him. "Let's start this party with a bang!" he said pumped.

The elevator light went on indicting someone was coming up. "Very punctual, even for his own funeral," Two Face said pleased and then gathered his goons with machine guns.

"Boys, kill the Bat," Two Face ordered.

"But Boss, wasn't your whole plan to trap him in that bank vault with acid," one goon asked.

"He'll likely survive your assault and kick all of your asses. This is just to lure him into a false sense of security," Two Face explained.

"The fuck?" the goon wondered.

The elevator light turned on indicating it had reached their floor. "Blast him!" Two Face ordered.

The goons fired non-stop all of their ammunition on the elevator doors. The bullets blasted through the elevator doors and began ricocheting all over the elevator killing anyone that could have possibly been inside.

"Open sesame," Two Face said with anticipation.

The doors opened revealing no one inside. The goons checked the elevator thoroughly and found no one.

Meanwhile, Batman made his way up the stairs. "Why so many stairs?" he grumbled.

The goons then turned to Two Face. "We're out of ammo," they said to him.

Batman then barged in and began fighting the goons. Two Face fled the scene as Batman broke bones, used his TASER, and tied goons up. Batman then proceeded to find the guard tied up with his mouth taped inside the bank vault.

"If this is a trap, blink twice," Batman said to the guard just outside the vault.

* * *

Two Face was in his helicopter pleased that his plan had worked. The helicopter pulled the bank vault out of the building and hung it in the air. "Haul away!" Two Face said happily.

Batman and the guard watched as the vault was pulled out of the building. Batman untied the guard's feet with his batarang rope he had used to fish the guard out of the vault. He then pulled the tape from the guard's mouth.

"You're one fat ass," Batman chided.

"Sorry," the guard said lamely.

Batman then considered the helicopter that was leaving the scene. "Bring me the Bat," Batman ordered through his radio.

"Coming up," Alfred said bored and initiated the Batwing's auto-pilot.

* * *

Two Face laughed hysterically at his victory and then saw the Batwing approaching. It hovered next to the building and opened its cockpit allowing Batman to get inside. "No!" Two Face said enraged. He fired his pistol at the chain connecting the helicopter to the vault. The vault filled with acid fell towards the Gotham crowd.

Batman fired rope cables from the Batwing that hooked onto the vault before it could crash into the busy streets. Two Face then tried to escape in his helicopter with Batman in pursuit. The helicopter went past the Gotham skyscrapers towards Gotham harbor. The Batwing detached its cables allowing the vault to fall harmlessly into the bay.

Batman then switched to weapons to blast Two Face out of the sky. The Batwing fired missiles at the helicopter completely destroying it before it could hit the Statue of Liberty. Batman smirked victoriously, swung around the Statue of Liberty like a badass, and then went back home.

Two Face laughed, amused at his epic failure, as he parachuted down to the water.


	2. Chapter 2

Bruce Wayne was dressed in a nice suit as he strolled through the R and D department with a martini in his hand. "Mr. Wayne. Your inspections are a departmental highlight," Stickley brown-nosed.

"You can stop sucking my dick now," Bruce assured him gently.

Mr. Edward Nygma then approached Bruce and Stickley. "Oh, Mr. Wayne," Edward said filled with awe.

"Actually, that's my name. What's yours?" Bruce said to him.

"Nygma, Edward Nygma. You hired me personally just like I tell everyone. We've never actually met, but you're name was on the hiring slip. I have it," Edward said as he shook Bruce's hand.

"How did I hire you personally if we've never met?" Bruce asked confused.

"You were passed out drunk during the interviews," Stickley reminded him.

"Oh, right," Bruce nodded. He then turned to Edward. "I'm going to need that hand back. I don't really swing that way."

"Oh, yes, of course," Edward said embarrassed withdrawing. "It's just that you're my idol," Edward said insanely.

"See, Stickley, this is how you do it," Bruce pointed out.

"Back to work," Stickley told Edward annoyed that he had been out brown nosed.

"And some people have been trying to keep us apart," Edward lashed out at Stickley.

"That sounded really gay, Ed. What's on your mind?" Bruce asked slightly interested.

"Precisely, what's on all of our minds?" Edward asked rhetorically.

"Naked women, pizza, and...beer," Bruce listed.

"Brain waves," Edward continued.

"That was my second guess," Bruce allowed.

"The future of Wayne Enterprise...is brain waves," Edward said vaguely.

"I must apologize, Mr. Wayne. I had his project terminated today," Stickley said as Edward went into his small lab.

"Let's see where he's going with this," Bruce said placing his martini on some lab equipment.

"I have it!" Edward said getting out his device.

Bruce stared at it wondering what it could be. "An extreme shake mixer?" he asked.

"My invention beams any TV signal directly into the human brain. This device makes the audience feel like they're in the show," Edward explained.

"Does it work on porn?" Bruce wondered.

"Well, of course, not that you would ever need it for that," Edward said taken aback.

"Of course," Bruce allowed. He was rich enough to get all the prostitutes he could ever need.

"I just need additional funding for human trials. Let me show you, please!" Edward said enthusiastically.

Bruce contemplated the possibilities. "Can it manipulate brain waves?"

"Why, yes," Edward said defensively.

"So, it could turn people into criminals and homicidal maniacs?" Bruce pressed.

"With the right conditioning, I suppose," Edward said uncomfortable with the notion.

"Nice," Bruce nodded. This device if used on all of Gotham could turn the entire population into criminals and then he would have an unlimited supply of ass kicking.

"Are you planning to use my invention for military application?" Edward asked fearfully.

"Don't worry about it, Ed," Bruce assured him. "Your project is a go. I'll arrange human trials from Arkham for you to experiment on. I want a full set of schematics on this," Bruce ordered.

"Absolutely," Edward agreed but was secretly horrified.

"You call my assistant, Margaret. She'll set it all up," Bruce told him.

"I just have some questions," Edward said as he realized what Bruce was planning.

Bruce then saw the Bat signal out the window and got a PTSD moment. "No more questions, Ed. I have to go," Bruce said urgently and walked off.

"I just wanted to entertain. You were supposed to understand," Edward said horrified.

* * *

Bruce entered his office, finished his bottle of scotch, and got in his chair. "Chair," he gave the voice command. The floor opened like a portal dropping Bruce down a slide that placed him in a fast-moving capsule. The capsule sped towards Wayne Manor and exited inside his personal bowling ring. Alfred was already present for him.

"Imagine if this were installed in the Bat cave," Bruce smirked as he proceeded to the secret door.

"We would have to kill all the engineers, Master Wayne," Alfred replied.

Bruce entered the Bat cave and suited up. Entering the Batmobile, he took off towards the source of the signal.

* * *

Bruce parked his car and then used a projectile gun to reach the top of the building. Reaching the top, he looked around for Gordon. "Commissioner?"

"He's at home. I sent the signal," Chase said wearing a seductive black dress.

"That lazy bastard," Batman said disappointed. "What's wrong?"

"The other night, I noticed something about Two Face. It's his coin. It's his Achilles heel. It can be exploited," Chase said.

"Well, duh," Batman replied unimpressed. "You called me for this? The bat signal is not a beeper," he sad annoyed. He was missing out on Edward's new porn invention.

"I wish I could say that my interest in you is...purely professional," Chase said flirtatiously.

"You trying to get under my cape, doctor?" Batman wondered.

"A girl can't live by psychoses alone," she replied.

"It's the car, right. Chicks dig the car," Batman assumed.

"What is it about the right kind of man? In grade school: guys with earrings. College: motorcycles and leather jackets," Chase said.

"Have you tried anyone straight?" Batman suggested.

"Not yet," Chase replied looking directly at him.

"Holy Shit. Direct aren't you?" Batman asked.

"You like strong women. I've done my homework," Chase said referring to Catwoman. "Or do I need skintight vinyl and a whip?"

"It couldn't hurt your chances," Batman replied. "I kicked her ass. What makes you think you would do better?" Batman asked her.

Commissioner Gordon then came to the roof still in his pajamas to cock-block Batman. "I saw the signal. What's going on?" he asked pathetically.

"Nothing. False alarm," Batman replied.

"Are you sure?" Chase asked him.

If the commissioner hadn't been present, Batman would have stripped her down and had his way with her. Instead, he leaped off the building and landed perfectly inside his Batmobile. "Women," Batman muttered.

* * *

Edward worked late into the night, inspired by Bruce Wayne's enthusiasm for his project. Stickley then entered the department. "What the hell is going on here?" he shouted.

"Just working late," Edward said meekly.

"You think you can go over my head when I tell you a project is terminated," Stickley said outraged. No one was going to brown nose more than him at Wayne Enterprises.

Stickley then grabbed a hold of the weak Edward. "I am going to terminate it myself."

"I'll call security," Edward threatened.

"You don't have the balls, Edward," Stickley said still holding a tight grip.

Edward reached out and hit Stickley over the head with a coffee pot knocking him out.

* * *

Stickley awoke tied up and naked in a chair. Edward's device was placed on his head. "Rise and shine, little guinea pig," Edward said to him.

"What are you doing? Untie me," Stickley demanded.

"This won't hurt. At least, I don't think it will," Edward said amused. He then initiated the switch causing Stickley to watch Little Ponies in 3D.

"What the fuck is this?" Stickley wondered.

Stickley then became captivated by the show as Edward started feeding off his brain waves. "Yes, Stickley. My invention can finally achieve world peace. By manipulating brain waves, I can make you think peaceful thoughts. I can end violent and criminal tendencies while also making myself smarter," Edward said and then shut down the machine.

"Where did they go?" Stickley asked as the ponies disappeared. "You unethical toad. I will have your project destroyed tomorrow, have your ass thrown in jail, and most importantly you are fired!"

Edward gave Stickley a strange look. "I think you need more of Little Ponies."

"Fuck Little Ponies," Stickley shouted.

Edward then pushed Stickley's chair towards the window with enough force that Stickley went through the window. Edward shrieked as he realized what he had done. "I'll save you!" he shouted as he went after Stickley.

The plug attached to Stickley's helmet detached sending Stickley down several stories and then into a raging water fall. Edward looked down into the water horrified by what had just happened.


	3. Chapter 3

Bruce channel surfed and found the news. An anchorman reported that Two Face was still at large and considered armed and dangerous. "So, you didn't kill him after all," Alfred critiqued.

"What fun would that be if I killed him. Now, I can kick his ass again," Bruce said pleased.

"There was a phone call from Commissioner Gordon. There has been an accident," Alfred said gravely.

"Again?" Bruce sighed in annoyance.

* * *

Bruce arrived at Wayne Enterprise in a nice suit and had a chat with Commissioner Gordon. The two of them saw Stickley cry out in sobs and then intentionally crash through the window to his death.

"Holy shit. Can we see that again?" Bruce asked enthralled.

"Definitely a suicide," Gordon ruled.

"How about doing a proper autopsy on the body?" Bruce asked.

"With the current, we will never find him," Gordon said lazily.

"You going to do any forensics on the lab or check the video recordings?" Bruce asked.

"Nah, it's clear cut," Gordon said.

Bruce shook his head. Gordon really was a lazy piece of shit.

* * *

Meanwhile, Edward was giving his sob story to some counselor. "He was like my father, my brother, a lover that visits your office all the time."

"Get a grip, Edward. Stop being such a pussy," the counselor told him.

"I found this in my cubicle," Edward said giving the counselor Stickley's suicide note.

"This doesn't seem suspicious at all," the counselor muttered.

"I couldn't come back here. The pain is too much," Edward sobbed.

* * *

Bruce was given Stickley's suicide note. He read it and chuckled. "Make sure the police get a copy. I want to keep the original," Bruce said amused. "Do we have to pay the family benefits or something?"

"Suicide isn't covered under corporate insurance policy," Margaret assured him.

"Thank God," Bruce sighed with relief.

"Gossip Gerty called 32 times. Who are you taking to the charity circus?"

"It's a charity? Damn," Bruce said suddenly disinterested. "What's this?" Bruce asked referring to a card on his desk.

"I don't know. I didn't see anyone leave it," Margaret replied.

"If you look at my face, thirteen won't be found any place," Bruce read the card.

"What does it mean?" Margaret wondered.

Bruce shrugged and tossed it.

* * *

At his apartment, Edward came up to a former sex-doll he dressed up in a green suit. "Do you know what I did today?" he asked it.

Edward then went to work creating another riddle with arts and crafts. Once he was finished, he rode his scooter to Wayne Manor and placed the riddle on the gate.

"See you soon," he said trying to sound menacing.

Bruce and Alfred watched the security camera footage as Edward rode off. "What the fuck?" Bruce said thoroughly amused.

"Should I call the police?" Alfred asked already knowing the answer.

"No, let him think he has the upper hand. It makes the chase that much more interesting," Bruce smiled.

* * *

Bruce strolled into a nice apartment complex and came upon Chase Meridian's door. He heard distinct moans and cries coming from the door. "Oh God! Fuck! Harder, yeah, harder!" he could hear from the other side.

Completely aroused, Bruce couldn't wait any longer. He pushed through the door and found Chase merely punching a punching bag fully clothed. "Oh, I guess I'm early," Bruce said disappointed. "I have an appointment."

"I could charge you with breaking in," Chase said annoyed.

Bruce smiled at the thought of it. "I don't know how to put this...but I'm kind of a big deal. I'm Bruce Wayne."

"Then you can afford to get me a new door," Chase shot back.

"How about you stay at my place. It has many fully functional doors," Bruce suggested.

"How can I help you?" Chase asked impatiently.

"Someone has been sending me love letters, the really gay kind," Bruce said taking out the latest riddle. "One at my office and one at my home."

"A match," Chase said as she easily figured it out. "Where's the other one?"

"I tossed it," Bruce said.

"He's a total wacko. He's obsessed with you. His only escape may be to purge his fixation," Chase said.

"To kill me," Bruce said hopefully.

"I think you understand obsession well, Mr. Wayne," Chase judged.

Bruce let the comment slide and focused on a mural. "You have a thing for bats?"

"That's a Rorschach, Mr. Wayne. An inkblot. People see what they want to see," Chase explained.

Bruce frowned. "Yeah, bullshit," he said under his breath.

"The question is, do you have a thing for bats?" Chase asked.

Bruce decided to dodge the question. "Still playing with dolls, doctor?"

"She's a Malaysian dream doll. Some think it protects you from bad dreams. It's probably silly to you," Chase said.

"Sure," Bruce couldn't lie.

"You seem so sad. Do you need one?" Chase suggested.

"No, I sleep like a baby," Bruce assured her.

"You're not what you seem, Mr. Wayne. Why did you really come here?" Chase asked.

"I want to get you out of those clothes," Bruce said honestly.

"Excuse you?" Chase thought she misheard.

Bruce quickly realized he was in trouble. "And into a black dress, of course," he said.

Chase relaxed. "Why is that?"

"Tell me, doctor. Do you like the circus?" Bruce asked.

"Not really," Chase replied.

"Fuck!" Bruce internally screamed. "I need a trophy date for this charity circus. It's for the children. I'm donating a lot of money to it."

"Oh well, for the children, of course," Chase agreed.

* * *

Bruce and Chase showed up to the charity circus. The two of them didn't even want to be there, but Bruce wanted the press to know he was a big-shot. Gossip Gerty came up to him as he entered the tent. "Who is this beautiful woman you're with?" she asked him.

"Dr. Chase Meridian," Bruce replied. He had never had a more educated woman as a date before.

"A doctor? What kind of doctor?" Gerty asked.

"The kind that talks to crazy people," Bruce answered. "I'll get you a card."

"For Gotham Children's Hospital, let's thank our single largest donor, Bruce Wayne!" the ringmaster announced.

"You know what they call me? They call me the Saint," Bruce said to Chase.

"I don't get it," Chase said confused.

Bruce frowned and took his seat next to her. The Flying Graysons then started doing their act. Bruce was bored with them. He did what they did every other night. "I'm going rock climbing this weekend. Care to join?" Bruce asked her.

"Oh, I love rock climbing. I really do," Chase lied.

"But?" Bruce wondered.

"I've met someone," Chase said seriously.

"Is this someone going to be upset that I took you as my date to a highly publicized event?" Bruce questioned.

"I don't think so. He doesn't seem the jealous type," Chase said referring to Batman.

"He's probably gay," Bruce warned.

"Probably, but I can change that," Chase said smiling.

"What?" Bruce wondered confused.

The ringmaster then announced the net would be taken away. Bruce perked up hoping something brutal might occur. Two Face, disguised as the ringmaster, then appeared in the center. His goons took out the drummers and took up their positions. The exits were also closed off.

"Holy Shit!" Bruce said excited.


	4. Chapter 4

Bruce ate popcorn as Two Face completely took over the circus holding the entire crowd hostage. "Ladies and Gentlemen! Tonight, a new act for your personal amazement. In the center of the ring, this harmless looking orb, has two hundred sticks of TNT. And in this innocent hand is the radio detonator," Two Face said.

"This is really good," Bruce remarked to Chase.

"What the hell do you want, Harvey?" the mayor stood up to him.

"One simple thing: the Batman," Two Face demanded.

"Well, I'm Black so can I leave?" the mayor asked cowardly.

"No, one of you twits must know who Batman is. You have two minutes," Two Face said and then activated the count down.

The crowd was in total chaos as people stood up and tried to get to the exists. "If Batman is really here, he should show himself," Chase said.

"Batman doesn't negotiate with terrorists," Bruce replied matter-of-factly.

The Flying Graysons took the bomb towards the top of the tent to get rid of it. Bruce stared at their teamwork, their heroism, and their tenacity. "Shit! I'm being upstaged," he realized.

Like a badass, Bruce went full James Bond on Two-Face's men punching and kicking them in the center of the ring. The Graysons managed to get the orb to their youngest son who rolled in into Gotham harbor where it exploded harmlessly.

Two Face flipped his coin. "Our kind of day," he said happily and fired his machine gun at the Graysons. He missed them entirely, but he did destroy the cables they were hanging onto. The family came crashing down to the ring below. Bruce winced at the scene.

Two Face then used the hatch below the ring to escape. "Well, damn," Bruce said as Dick Grayson saw his family murdered on the floor of the ring.

* * *

Commissioner Gordon came to Wayne Manor to drop Dick Grayson off. Bruce hid his disdain for the man as they shook hands. "It's good you took him in," Gordon said thankfully.

"Yeah, well, I need someone to polish all of my cars," Bruce said.

"He hasn't anyone now. He's filled out papers all day," Gordon continued.

"Really, no family at all. Not even a Great Aunt or something?" Bruce wondered.

"He hasn't slept or eaten," Gordon told him.

"Wow, you're a real asshole. You made him do all this paperwork without allowing him to eat or sleep," Bruce remarked.

"It's procedure," Gordon said defensively.

"Yeah, whatever, I got this," Bruce said dismissing him.

Gordon left in his car leaving the boy with Bruce. "You know, for a seventeen year old you look like you're at least thirty," Bruce remarked.

"It's from all the crack," Dick said honestly.

Bruce nodded. "No using drugs unless it's in the garage," he put his foot down.

"Sounds fair," Dick allowed.

"Hello, Master Dick. I'm Alfred," Alfred introduced himself. Bruce cracked an inappropriate smile upon hearing 'master dick.'

"Hi, Al," Dick said politely.

"So, I'm a little rusty with this whole hosting thing. The last person I had over here ended up wandering off. She was really into cats and did a lot of cocaine," Bruce said.

"What happened to her?" Dick wondered.

"No idea," Bruce said honestly.

"Look man, I don't plan to stay here long. I'm going to get a gun, and I'm going to kill Two Face," Dick said seriously.

"What gun? I have plenty of them," Bruce asked.

"Any that will get the job done," Dick replied.

"Here's the problem with that, Dick," Bruce said attempting to be a mentor. "I got this friend that really likes to kick Two Face's ass. If you actually manage to kill Two Face, its going to be hard on my friend. You understand, right?"

"He murdered my family. He's going to pay," Dick promised.

"Alright, but if you're going to kill Two Face you need training," Bruce told him.

"What kind of training?" Dick wondered.

Bruce proceeded to have Dick do the laundry, polish his cars, paint his fences, mow his lawn, and clean the house. "Is this really part of the training?" Dick asked skeptically.

"You're doing good. It's like that movie, Karate kid. Wax on, wax off," Bruce told him.

Dick frowned uncertain and kept working.

* * *

At night, Bruce meditated on his parent's death. "It's happening again. A monster comes out at night, screams, and fires two shots."

"I know. I was there," Alfred said.

Bruce gave him an odd look. "I killed them," he confessed.

"What?" Alfred asked.

"Never mind," Bruce said breaking his psychosis. He then saw the Bat signal. "Take care of the kid."

"Certainly, Sir," Alfred replied.

* * *

Alfred entered Dick's room unannounced. "Do you need me to tuck you in?"

"I'm good," Dick said depressed.

"Is this a robin?" Alfred asked of Dick's motorcycle helmet.

"Yeah, my brother gave it to me. He said I should have it, because I act like a little girl on the ropes," Dick said.

"Broken wings will mend in time. One day, that little girl will fly again," Alfred promised him.

* * *

Batman sped through the streets of Gotham like a mad man towards his target. Two Face's goons drove up behind him and started firing their machine guns at him. Batman then noticed an old hag and a baby carriage. Seeing that Batman wasn't even bothering to slow down, Two Face took off the hag dress revealing an RPG.

Batman suddenly turned and the RPG blasted a car filled with goons. Wanting to keep Two Face alive for more rounds of fun, Batman drove past him instead of running his ass over. Two Face goons in more cars chased after the Batmobile with guns blazing. Two Face pursued as well taking the wheel from one of his goons.

Batman led the Two Face goons to an alley where he used a rope cable to allow the Batmobile to drive up the wall. The Two Face goons crashed into each other as they hit the wall killing several of them. Once he reached the top of the building, Batman was stuck up there.

Two Face shouted at him from down below, the remaining survivor. Batman then slowly reversed himself down the wall, smirked at Two Face, and then drove away in reverse.

* * *

The next day, Edward Nygma found Wayne Enterprise personal taking away his work. "No, no, no!" he shouted alarmed.

"Is there a problem?" Margaret asked him.

"That's my invention. You can't take my invention," Edward said horrified.

"Actually, we can. You built it while an employee of Wayne Enterprises. We own everything you make here," Margaret said simply.

"Where are you taking it?" Edward asked.

"We're contracting with the military. They just love all the super-weapons we build here, the tanks, the body armor suits, the cell phone surveillance system, and our neutrino bomb," Margaret smiled.

"I will see you in court!" Edward threatened.

"Yeah, you go ahead and do that," Margaret said dismissively.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, Bruce awoke to seeing a television ad for Nygma Industries. It was a cheap ad featuring Edward Nygma's invention in a small television store. "Oh, Edward," Bruce said disappointed.

"Shall I call the lawyers?" Alfred asked.

"Not just yet. I want him to taste success before I take it away from him," Bruce smiled.

"By the way, there was another riddle in the mail," Alfred said.

Bruce glanced at the riddle, became easily tired of it, and toss it. "Where's Dick?"

The two of them found Dick trying to open the door leading to the Bat cave. "Can I help you, Master Dick?" Alfred asked annoyed.

"Why is this room the only one that is locked around here?" Dick questioned.

"That's because I buried all of my ex-wives behind it," Bruce said darkly.

"Really?" Dick smiled doubtfully.

Bruce and Alfred gave him stone-faced expressions. "Wow, sorry," Dick said embarrassed.

"Dick, you still want to kill Two-Face?" Bruce asked.

"Hell, yeah!" Dick said enthusiastically.

"Let the training begin," Bruce smirked.

What followed was a montage of Dick practicing various pistols and rifles inside Bruce's indoor shooting range, racing at high-speed around Wayne manor on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand combat skills. All the while, the two ignored Edward Nygma's corporate rise and Two Face's mayhem in the streets.

* * *

At Nygma company, Edward gave a joyous interview to the press. "Ladies and gentlemen, my vision...a box in every home in America!" Edward said now with brown hair, a good suit, and more sane vocalization. Behind him was a large factory on an island.

Inside his new corporate building, Edward smiled at all of his new employees. "Together, we will create world peace," he smiled.

Inputting credit card and bank routing numbers into the computer, he began siphoning off money from thousands of Gotham accounts to create investment for his new business. His customers quickly became so obsessed with his box that they didn't even notice their accounts being slowly drained. Edward believed it was for the greater good as long as it finally brought peace to Gotham. Now, he only needed to find two forces most opposed to peace: Batman and Two Face.

* * *

With crime at an all-time low, Bruce had more time to be with Dr. Chase. "I have something for you. Call it clinical intuition. It's on the table," Chase told him.

Bruce was hoping it was some kind of sex dungeon toy but was instantly disappointed it was the Malaysian witch doll he had seen earlier in her apartment. "Maybe if I break off its head...," Bruce wondered.

"I thought your dreams needed changing," Chase said interrupting his thoughts.

"My dreams are filled with violence and sexual frustration," Bruce admitted. "But I don't suffer for them," he added.

"You're describing trauma. What happened to you?" Chase asked.

"My parents...were murdered before me," Bruce admitted. "I didn't do it...I was a kid," he added defensively.

"No one is blaming you," Chase assured him.

"Well, good, because I couldn't have been at fault. I was just ten years old," Bruce said uncomfortably.

"This is forgotten pain trying to resurface," Chase said.

"Not really, I've gotten over it a long time ago," Bruce told her.

"Is it possible there's an aspect of your parent's death, you haven't faced yet?" Chase asked.

"No, the killer is dead by my...," Bruce said and stopped himself before revealing too much. He then looked over Chase's desk to change the subject.

"Maybe I should leave you two alone. This goes way beyond taking your work home, doesn't it, doctor?" Bruce asked referring to all the Batman magazines on her desk.

"Actually, I both work and live here," Chase corrected.

"Well, fuck me," Bruce muttered.

"I think he's fascinating. Why would a man do this?" Chase asked.

"Well, why wouldn't he?" Bruce wondered.

"It's as if he's cursed to pay penance. What kind of sin could deserve such nightly torture?" Chase asked rhetorically.

"Maybe he enjoys every minute of it," Bruce suggested.

"Are you jealous of Batman?" Chase wondered.

"Look, I'm a billionaire philanthropist with a nice suit, a nice haircut, and nice cars. I even gave a home to some orphan boy and got a lot of positive press for it. And here you are 'fascinated' with some nut who goes around in a bat suit," Bruce said annoyed.

"I mean...what the fuck!" Bruce said stupefied.

Bruce's future-tech watch suddenly beeped ending the tension between them. "What?" Bruce asked annoyed.

"Master Dick took the car," Alfred reported.

"The black one?" Bruce asked already knowing the answer."

"Yep," Alfred frowned.

"God damn it, Alfred. You had one job," Bruce shouted.

"Shall I initiate its self destruct sequence?" Alfred asked.

"No, it makes the chase more interesting if I go after him," Bruce smiled.

"Problem?" Chase asked overhearing his rant.

"My dick stole my favorite car. I have to go," Bruce told her.

* * *

Oblivious he could be killed at any moment by Alfred, Dick sped through Gotham in the Batmobile. As he approached a group of young ladies, he stopped the car and opened the hood revealing his face to them. "Come for a little ride in my love machine, babies?" Dick said to them.

"Sure, wait...how old are you?" the ladies asked.

"Fifteen," the thirty-year-old looking Dick replied.

"That's not Batman," the ladies said.

"Well...no shit," Dick replied.

The ladies dispersed from him repulsed. Dick then noticed a teenage girl on the verge of being gang raped by Gotham's notorious clown gang. "Finally, I can get laid," Dick said to himself.

Getting out of the car, Dick faced down the entire clown gang. "Hey! Let her go!" Dick said in a kid's voice.

"Who the hell are you?" the clown leader asked.

"I'm Batman," Dick said confidently.

The clown gang laughed hysterically at him. "So, I forgot my suit, alright," Dick said defensively.

The clown gang leader clasped his hands and engaged Dick in a fight. Dick easily kicked his ass and then proceeded to rescue the girl.

"You saved my life. What's your name?" the teenage blond asked him.

"Just call me Dick," Dick replied and let her run off. "Probably should have gotten her phone number," Dick realized as she left.

The clown gang whistled and Dick was quickly ambushed by the clown gang. Even so, he began to kick ass all over the square. Batman watched with interest as Dick used his moves and style to break bones, bash skulls, and dislocate arms. Dick was a true savage!

Finally, Dick was getting overwhelmed by the gang. Batman swooped in to join Dick in the fighting and the two began fighting together. After a good hour, Dick and Batman were only ones left standing. "God, that felt good," Dick said exhausted.

"I know right," Batman smiled.

"You mad I stole your car?" Dick asked.

"Nah, you made it all worth it," Batman said pleased.

"So, we partners?" Dick asked hopefully.

"I wouldn't go that far," Batman said. "Get in the car," he ordered.

"But its a one seat," Dick protested.

"Well, it looks like we're going to get to know each other well then," Batman grumbled.

* * *

Back in the Bat cave, Batman went inside the Bat room to take off his suit. "When I was out there, I imagined each one of those goons was Two-Face. You understand, right?" Dick said.

"Yeah, sure," Batman muttered.

"Look, you don't understand how I feel. Your parents weren't killed by a homicidal maniac," Dick whined."

"Err...yes they were. Didn't you ever read the papers?" Bruce asked astounded.

"I don't read," Dick admitted.

"Obviously," Bruce shook his head. "The point is that we are the same."

"Then help me kill Two Face," Dick requested.

"When you kill someone, the fun ends. I let thousands of people die by laughing gas and penguin rockets, so I could have more opportunities to kick their ass. If you kill your enemy, its over. Then you have to wait for the next one to show up, and the next, and the next," Bruce told him.

"Look, I'm not like you who's only interested in kicking ass. I want to kill him and have it be over with," Dick said.

"So, you want to take a life and be a villain," Bruce said interested. "Unfortunately, as you are now, if I had to fight you, it wouldn't be a challenge," Bruce said.

"Then make me a challenge, so I can be worthy of a Batman ass kicking," Dick requested.

The wheels in Bruce's head began to turn on this. He looked at Alfred who gave him a nod. "Alright," Bruce agreed. "But, first, we have to get shit-faced at this party."

"That's what I'm talking about," Dick smiled.


	6. Chapter 6

Bruce and Dick attended the Ritz Gotham celebrating Nygma Tech's success. Edward Nygma wore a suit identical to that of his rival Bruce Wayne showing his mental instability. He charmingly engaged the eager press.

"Brucie!" Gossip Gerty called out as soon as Bruce entered the room.

"I'm going to go get shit-faced," Dick said leaving Bruce's side.

Bruce walked up to the press and joined up with Dr. Chase. "Nygma Tech stock is outselling Wayne Enterprise's two-to-one. Are you yesterday's news?" Gossip Gerty asked.

"I applaud Edward Nygma's entrepreneurial spirit and wish him well," Bruce lied to the press. He then turned to Dr. Chase. "Those investors...those poor bastards," he smiled knowingly.

"I don't understand," Dr. Chase admitted.

"I'll tell you later," Bruce promised.

"Yes, I owe it all to Bruce Wayne who inspired me to be my own man," Edward smiled at Bruce.

"Nice party, nice suit," Bruce said sincerely.

"And you are?" Edward asked Dr. Chase.

"Chase," she replied.

"And what a grand pursuit you must be," Edward said politely.

"I seem to attract only billionaires," Chase wondered.

"May I have this dance," Edward asked.

"Tell him no," Bruce told her.

Chase ignored him and went off to dance with Edward. "That slut," Bruce narrowed his eyes.

"Hey, there," Edward's blond assistant said to Bruce.

"Miss?" Bruce wondered.

"Oh, you can call me anything you want," she smiled flirtatiously.

"Alright then, I'm going to call you Candi," Bruce told her.

With Dr. Chase on his arm, Edward addressed the press. "The future...ladies and gentlemen!" he shouted as his machine displayed hologram images to random party-goers under the influence of his machine.

"Fully-interactive holographs. Only a high-beam carrier wave beamed directly into the brain could cause such images," Bruce said.

"And you wished you thought of it," Edward shot back displeased that Bruce was spoiling his secrets."Don't be a sore loser. Step inside."

"If you can introduce images into the mind, what stops you from extracting images out of mind?" Bruce continued.

Edward got close to Bruce with a menacing expression. "You won't go inside my machine. No balls, Bruce," he said.

Bruce frowned. "Alright, Edward."

Edward smiled and began dancing with Chase once more. Bruce was being upstaged, Edward had stolen his girlfriend, and he had lost sight of Candi. Not only that but he had been dared to enter Edward's machine. Going inside, he saw Edward's box on top of a television. Bruce sighed and turned the box around so the beam would hit the wall instead of his head.

"Tell me your dreams, tell me your fantasies," the machine requested of him.

"Oh, you don't want to be inside my head," Bruce smirked.

* * *

Suddenly, the party was interrupted by Two Face and his gang. "Relax folks, I only want the Batman. Hand him over nice and quietly and no one will get hurt."

Bruce casually exited the room and noticed the gun fire and Gotham rich folks being attacked. "Nice," he smiled. He then casually walked out of the hall towards the exit.

Edward was stunned by his party being ruined. "Such violence!" he said appalled.

Batman suddenly dropped in unnecessarily crashing through the ceiling window and perfectly landing in the fountain. He immediately took out Two-Face's gang members and went straight for Two Face. Seeing Batman easily defeat his men, Two Face strategically retreated into the elevator.

Batman went after him throwing himself off the rooftop and using his cape to slow his descent. However, Two Face was ready for him and positioned a tube directly where Batman was to fall. Batman went through the tube and fell to the ground inside a construction pit.

"Nothing like a bad case of gas," Two Face laughed as gas was poured into the tunnel. Two Face then ignited the gas with a large blast from his gun.

"Oh shit!" Batman realized as he was covered in fire.

Using the cape, Batman shielded himself from the fire. Two Face laughed at his victory until Batman emerged from the flames. "Why can't you just die?" Two Face shouted as he blasted the whole construction area. Batman lost his footing and became covered in sand and debris.

Believing Batman was dead, Two Face and his gang gleefully took off. Moments later, Bruce and Alfred casually walked over to large mountain of sand.

"That's what I said. Haven't I been saying this the entire time?" Bruce sighed.

"You have, Sir," Alfred agreed.

"He wasn't ready, he was not ready," Bruce said disappointed. "Well, I suppose I should shovel him out. Can't have my first side-kick die on me within a week."

"Indeed, Sir," Alfred agreed.

Bruce eventually pulled Dick out of the sand. "So, you stole my car and now my suit," Bruce said annoyed.

"I almost had him!" Dick spat sand out of his mouth.

"The key word being 'almost'," Bruce pointed out.

"Like you would have done better?" Dick asked still breathing heavily.

"The point is to kick Two Face's ass, not the other way around. This is embarrassing," Bruce said unimpressed. "Look, clean yourself up. I now have to go back home, get another suit, so I can make sweet love to Dr. Chase."

"What the fuck?" Dick wondered.

"It's complicated," Bruce admitted. "The suit does have a detachable codpiece, right?" Bruce asked Alfred.

"They all do, Master Wayne, but you've never tested it before," Alfred reminded him.

"Well, then tonight's a good night," Bruce smirked.

* * *

Batman arrived on Dr. Chase's balcony and then entered her room at midnight. "I can't believe this. I have imagined this ever since I arrived here. Your lips, your eyes, your body, and now I have you," Chase said in her seductive nightgown.

"I know, right," Batman smiled.

Dr. Chase immediately took her clothes off and threw herself at him. "Should I take the suit off?" Batman wondered.

"No, I want you as you are, all smooth and rubbery," she said as she kissed him.

After the evening's "activities" Batman left the balcony still in his suit. He wasn't sure what had just happened was right or wrong but it felt good. He left with a satisfied smile.

* * *

A disgruntled Two Face entered his lair and couldn't be consoled by either of his two prostitutes. Eventually, he realized there was a green bag on his couch. "What's this?" he wondered.

Opening the bag, he saw a host of green explosives. They all went off at once killing Two Face and destroying the lair completely.

Edward watched the explosion from a secret camera he had recently installed. His box had given him the precise location of Two Face's hideout. He was now the most cleverest carbon-based life form. The only riddle left for him was Batman's location. Then Gotham would have peace.

* * *

Bruce watched the news reports of Two Face's lair being destroyed. Commissioner Gordon was on the scene. "We had no idea it was here," he said astounded.

"I knew it was there," Bruce nodded to Alfred.

"So, who did it?" Alfred wondered.

"That, Alfred, is a riddle," Bruce said seriously.

"Speaking of which, another riddle in the mail," Alfred said giving him it.

Bruce quickly tossed it. "I had a conversation with our lawyers. They can't stop Nygma Tech due to a corporate loophole. You can't sue him or force him to end production," Alfred told him.

"No," Bruce realized horrified. "What have I done?"

"There are other ways to solve your problem," Alfred reminded him.

"Get the kid," Bruce ordered.

"Are you going to make him a partner?" Alfred asked.

"No, a scapegoat," Bruce replied.


	7. Chapter 7

Bruce Wayne prepared for battle getting out his badass prototype suit. Once suited up, he eyed his batwing and batboat. "Which do you suggest, by sea or by air?" Batman asked.

"Do you really have to ask, Sir," Alfred replied.

"You're right, who would actually choose the boat," Batman chuckled.

"Maybe I would," Robin spoke up.

Batman turned around and saw Dick in his new Robin suit. Batman had to fight from laughing. "Who's your tailor?"

"I took the liberty, Sir," Alfred admitted.

Batman gave it one last look over. He would have to thank Alfred for a good laugh. "Two-Face and the Riddler could be a deadly combination," Robin said seriously.

"Two against two are better odds," Batman allowed.

"I can't promise I won't kill Two Face," Robin said.

"A man has to go his own way...even if it means murder," Batman replied. "Now, get in that boat."

* * *

The batwing lifted off and sped through the cave system finally exiting a distance away from Wayne Manor. The batboat likewise exited through the Wayne Manor sewer system. "Yahoo!" Robin screamed as he exited the sewer and down into Gotham harbor.

Meanwhile, Commissioner Gordon sat on his ass near the bat signal. "He's not coming," Gordon said finally after hours of waiting. "Turn it off."

"This is going to be so cool," Batman said as he flew straight through the bat symbol.

"There he is! Go! Go!" Gordon cheered.

Batman gave Gordon the middle finger out his window and continued onward towards Nygma island. The batwing swung around Nygma's island as Robin approached by sea. Mines suddenly exploded near the batboat. Robin kept going until the batboat was hit and exploded.

Batman eyed the wreckage and went for another pass. Arming his missiles, he fired on the Nygma factory destroying its tower, its sails, and the factory below. The whole island was consumed in a fireball. Batman then glided the batwing to the water and stepped foot on the island.

Entering the ruined factory, Batman casually strolled towards Edward. He was surrounded by fallen electrical cables and equipment that was sparking. His Riddler costume was torn up and his red hair was a mess. He sat on his throne helplessly as Batman approached.

"Why? Why? I only wanted world peace," Edward whined.

"Manipulating brainwaves? It just raises too many questions," Batman smirked.

Robin suddenly barged in. "Where's Two Face? I'm going to kill him."

"I already killed him to bring Gotham peace," Edward admitted.

"Wait...what?" Robin questioned.

"It was in the news," Edward said confused.

Robin turned to Batman with a stunned expression. "You knew?" he accused.

"Well, duh," Batman replied.

"What the fuck, Bruce? I got blown up and then I had to fight off sharks. I only came here to kill Two Face. This is horse shit!" Robin raged and stormed out.

Batman shook his head. "Sidekicks."

"Bruce...Bruce Wayne?" Edward realized. "We were supposed to be partners, two-of-a-kind."

"We had creative differences," Batman said.

Edward looked like he was about to explode. "I am suppose to be a god."

"I am going to send you to Arkham, so you can easily escape and then I can capture you again," Batman decided.

"It's not fair!" Edward pouted.

"Poor Edward, I kicked your ass...not because I have to...now, because I choose too," Batman replied and then exposed Edward to Scarcrow gas.

Edward screamed like a little girl as he saw a giant bat flying towards him.

* * *

Chase exited Arkham and met up with Bruce who was waiting outside. "Your secret is safe for now. He's definitely a wacko."

"If he wasn't before, he definitely is now," Bruce said confidently.

"What if he remembers?" Chase asked concerned.

"I'll have to beat the memory out of him," Bruce said casually. "By the way, I accidently broke your doll and a demon witch came out," Bruce said as he handed the doll back.

Chase merely smiled. "Don't work too late."

* * *

A resentful Robin showed up at the bat signal projector on GPD headquarters. Gordon, a few police officers, and a camera man were present. "What the fuck is this?" Robin asked pissed off.

"We're going to run with the bat signal in the background. It will look really cool," Batman explained.

Robin stared at the bat symbol. "What about a Robin symbol?"

Batman chuckled. "Oh, you were serious?"

"Fuck you, man. I'm not doing it," Robin refused.

"Don't make a scene in front of the police," Batman said embarrassed.

"Suck my balls," Robin said immaturely.

Batman took Robin aside. "Look, if you do this, I'll give you some crack, okay?"

"Alright," Robin relented.

Batman and Robin then turned to the camera and ran full speed with the bat signal behind them.


End file.
